Post by Tymishu on Jul 16, 2011 0:41:54 GMT -5
Just seen a picture of my aunt who died in a car crash on Facebook...really bummed me out, and pissed me off too because when I was a kid? I use to be over there all of the time with my Aunt and Uncle. They were my favorite people in the universe at that time. Especially my aunt. I love my family, but you know how when you get around a different group of people and you just feel complete happiness? That's how I felt around her. I felt loved, not ignored or pacified with material items. I would trade anything in the world to have felt that way around my own family, but I'm drifting off the point here.
The reason it made me mad...I wouldn't say mad, more disappointed than anything I guess is that I loved being around my cousins. My brother growing up didn't want anything to do with me, but when I was around my cousins (Without my brother), I felt alive...like a fucking child should feel. I felt joy and acceptance. Something that I never really had away from my aunt and uncle.
Fast forward to my aunt dying. It was like the beginning of the end. The visits with my uncle slowly went away, my family got more and more insane, and me? Depressed, confused, lost...
I remember seeing things and doing things around the time my Aunt died that made me feel awful, and all I wanted was for my Aunt to come rescue me. To take me away and make my life normal, but it never happened. It just got worse and worse.
Once I got old enough to drive the very first thing I wanted to do was go and visit my uncle. You could imagine my disappointment when the feeling wasn't mutual. It was like I was a ghost from a past that he did not want a visit from. I felt like I had some sort of disease and he didn't want to catch it. I felt horrible, but I didn't give up. I visited him a few more times. More so to see my cousins than anything, but it got to the point to where I felt that if I am making the effort...so can they! So I went back to my shitty life waiting for the day for at least one of the 3 to come visit. See if we were still alive...etc, but that day never came as well.
Recently, I found one of my cousins by e-mail a few years back. I sent him a message, but after two? He ceased to respond, so I did the same.
Facebook happens. Well, you know how you add everyone from your e-mail to Facebook and it automatically invites whoever? Well, I was one of those invites. I seen that my other cousin was on his list. She personally added me. Which made my day. Excited, I sent her a message.....nothing. Not one reply. Just a number on a friends list.
It just blows me away at how disposable we all are. That at any given time we can be dropped like a bad habit with no explanation! What also bothers me is how you can wear your heart on your sleeve, go out of your way to help people and they don't give a fuck!
Right now! What I have learned from this is that I am truly thankful for what little I do have. I love my wife. She may be a bitch from time to time, but overall she's great. I can make her out to be such a villain, but I forget to look at myself. I can be just as bad. Then my son...my best friend in the whole world. This is what God put me here for. This is the lesson...the reason I live is to make sure that my boy doesn't have to experience that feeling I felt when I was young. He drives me nuts, but I love him he's my world. He'll be 8 this year, and I find myself getting depressed because I have at least a good 5 more years before he totally wants to be independent, spend more time with his friends and I know when that day comes...I'll be bummed, but happy overall because I know that when he does get older he'll have a real hard time rebelling against me. The worst he can say is that I am always in the bathroom when he needs to go. As far as spending time...bonding? I would love to see him try!
Another thing I have learned...blood is not thicker than water. It's only thicker depending on how you live, who you live around and what you have to offer. If that doesn't match to the person you're trying to connect to? Fuck blood...drink all the water that you can!
The reason it made me mad...I wouldn't say mad, more disappointed than anything I guess is that I loved being around my cousins. My brother growing up didn't want anything to do with me, but when I was around my cousins (Without my brother), I felt alive...like a fucking child should feel. I felt joy and acceptance. Something that I never really had away from my aunt and uncle.
Fast forward to my aunt dying. It was like the beginning of the end. The visits with my uncle slowly went away, my family got more and more insane, and me? Depressed, confused, lost...
I remember seeing things and doing things around the time my Aunt died that made me feel awful, and all I wanted was for my Aunt to come rescue me. To take me away and make my life normal, but it never happened. It just got worse and worse.
Once I got old enough to drive the very first thing I wanted to do was go and visit my uncle. You could imagine my disappointment when the feeling wasn't mutual. It was like I was a ghost from a past that he did not want a visit from. I felt like I had some sort of disease and he didn't want to catch it. I felt horrible, but I didn't give up. I visited him a few more times. More so to see my cousins than anything, but it got to the point to where I felt that if I am making the effort...so can they! So I went back to my shitty life waiting for the day for at least one of the 3 to come visit. See if we were still alive...etc, but that day never came as well.
Recently, I found one of my cousins by e-mail a few years back. I sent him a message, but after two? He ceased to respond, so I did the same.
Facebook happens. Well, you know how you add everyone from your e-mail to Facebook and it automatically invites whoever? Well, I was one of those invites. I seen that my other cousin was on his list. She personally added me. Which made my day. Excited, I sent her a message.....nothing. Not one reply. Just a number on a friends list.
It just blows me away at how disposable we all are. That at any given time we can be dropped like a bad habit with no explanation! What also bothers me is how you can wear your heart on your sleeve, go out of your way to help people and they don't give a fuck!
Right now! What I have learned from this is that I am truly thankful for what little I do have. I love my wife. She may be a bitch from time to time, but overall she's great. I can make her out to be such a villain, but I forget to look at myself. I can be just as bad. Then my son...my best friend in the whole world. This is what God put me here for. This is the lesson...the reason I live is to make sure that my boy doesn't have to experience that feeling I felt when I was young. He drives me nuts, but I love him he's my world. He'll be 8 this year, and I find myself getting depressed because I have at least a good 5 more years before he totally wants to be independent, spend more time with his friends and I know when that day comes...I'll be bummed, but happy overall because I know that when he does get older he'll have a real hard time rebelling against me. The worst he can say is that I am always in the bathroom when he needs to go. As far as spending time...bonding? I would love to see him try!
Another thing I have learned...blood is not thicker than water. It's only thicker depending on how you live, who you live around and what you have to offer. If that doesn't match to the person you're trying to connect to? Fuck blood...drink all the water that you can!
